Dear Diary March 7, 2013

This is my life right now.

I am feeling at a loss. I feel the need to have a job. The projects are great. I get a sense of accomplishment from them. But, I am not doing something that propels the family forward.  I don’t have a job that brings in income. and any idea of a job or company that I could start is illusive.

I cannot blame this on PMS. Sometimes I have to wait til that has passed to see clearly, but this is as clearly as I get. At times, I put off posting because I am chemically or hormonally imbalanced.

What is the source of this Eeyore day?

Maybe it is because I FINALLY met another American this week, and he has a purpose here beyond his little girl and Serbian wife.

Maybe it is because I feel I made a complete idiot of myself last night while we had some family members. Conversing in English and Serbian is exhausting, confusing, and I make some ridiculous mistakes. Mistakes that make me feel like I am back in Jr High again.

Maybe it is because the Munchkin is Fussy, like all the time. Or because the Muz is going to work in the village. I feel guilty for not joining him like I did before the little one came along.

Obviously, taking care of little M is productive. just not the kind that adds monetary gain… rather the opposite. Helloo diapers! Come on potty training!

AND How is it that she is pooping more and eating less? The input output just doesn’t make sense!

an added bonus to my day…I think she has discovered that whining is a good tool to get attention.  Maybe that is what I am doing now.

Discouragement comes in all sorts of forms. As an expat, they are sometimes devastating. Trying to buy things for friends is a huge source of downheartedness. Here it is so hard to find things that are good quality. but here good quality is  not only illusive but super expensive. And culturally, something I think would be a good present, may seem really silly here.

The plight of stray animals  is a constant source of sadness. Every time I take a walk outside I am dismayed by the homeless animals, skittish from abuse from humans. They scrounge dumpsters for food do their best to avoid becoming the meal of a larger, stronger animal. Listening to the screams of these animals at night while they fight with one another adds weight to my heart.

So many other things add to my sometimes silly, yet all to real woes. Often hiding in the strangest corners just waiting for me to stumble upon them. But then, they pass. Thank God!

I know that Mentally sunny days are just around the corner. They always are. But my down days always seem much lower here in this big strange land.

If I can…I just need to take a break, then give myself a strong kick in the arse. Remind myself how lucky I am to have a good life and family. Then do something fun or productive.  and that is just what I have done today.  I wrote down my feelings then moved onto some projects that needed to be completed.

Enough whining, onto a new food like for myself, Carmelino! For those of you unfamiliar, it is a baby cereal. Millie doesn’t even like it as much as I do! For the first time, I must remind myself it is her breakfast not mine.
Dobar dan


24 thoughts on “Dear Diary March 7, 2013

  1. Hey, cheer up 😉 I do feel for you, and I’m sending hugs your way. The Munchkin is one, and you’ve hit the stage many mums get to, wherever they live. It’s true that living in Serbia makes it more difficult for you to find employment. Why don’t you look out a few expat groups in your region and see if they have any clubs or activities? Maybe you’d be able to hook up with expats who work in the area and maybe have employment possibilities? You speak about stray animals; is there any kind of shelter you could do volunteer work for to get out of the house and see more grown ups? Hang on in there, Miss Eeyore. With blogging love from an expat piglet x

    • Thank Miss Piglet! your are such an encouragement! Regrettably, We are far from any expats. I need to drive about an hour to a city for that kind. The isolation is part of the problem. But I will truck on! This will pass and I will become stronger! Thanks again my friend.

  2. Oh, I am sorry you feeling this way, but that is all part of the process, that will show you the right way. You are reviewing your inner world and accomplishment and think you lack of something. My humble suggestion is to look on good things you do everyday and the bad things that you don’t like in everyday life. That will be, the good start for changes that you can do to be happier and to feel more productive and satisfied.
    It is good that you questioned yourself, because that is the only way how we can help ourselves in making spiritual progress. Do not feel isolated, because you are on the right place to find yourself the successful next step.
    I am sending you positive energy 🙂

    • Thanks Windmill, I know it is all part of the process and I need to be positive. This will pass, I am usually super sunny in disposition. and I will be again soon! Thanks so much for the kind words!

  3. Awww, sorry, friend! I understand homesickness! I’m sure it’s even more difficult with a little munchkin… so much harder to get out and do stuff!… especially in a place that isn’t your home. Miss you! How long are you staying this time? Still coming home for the summer?

    • Hello Darling, I know you know how I feel. I think the first years is just a lot to deal with as well as lots of acclimation. Having a child adds more stress and complicates things a lot. No we are not coming home in the summer. We are here long term this time. Not sure when we will go back. But This will pass and I will overcome! I am a strong lady. Just needed to vent. Love you Christy!

  4. Hey there. First of all sweetie, don’t compare your life with others’… don’t draw your sense of self worth or fulfillment from comparisons with others, okay? I was caught in that trap here in the US… to use my best English… it just ain’t good! ;). My problem was health not new country though.

    When Jared was a toddler he used to pick up on my moods. It could be that once you

    • Darn phone! Got cut off.

      Anyway, Millie could be sensing ur pain and reacting. Jared did that.

      You have to be good to yourself… okay?

      On another note, I love your crafts and think it could be cool to get into until you can find something you really like.

      Sending hugs and live your way. 🙂

      • Jenn,
        I cannot thank you enough for always encouraging me. You are a wonderful cheerleader. I will take your advice to heart. Keep the poems coming! love them.

      • Got lots of good ones coming tonight! [Now that I’m off facebook, LOL!]

        I will continue to be your #1 Cheerleader. (Well, you have a lot of great cheerleaders … I’ll be in the top 10, okay?) 😉

      • Oh …. I forgot … what did you think of the Serbian artist?
        It must be beautiful to see that many peonies in the wild… I’ve only ever seen them in flower gardens.

      • Yes! I did like it. SO much I went on to research it and read more about it. The pics look like Serbia in Turkish times. Sorry, I meant to get back to you. But I am sure something or someone further distracted me. 😉 Thanks for writing that! it was great.

      • Oh, no …. you have enough on your plate so don’t worry! I just wanted to make sure it was okay.

        What a shame …. so many lives lost in these holy wars. (There’s an oxymoron for the ages: holy war.)

  5. sorry for your “down” day…. spring is round the corner. Have you thought about using your English language skills? giving English lessons to children? or maybe adults who need it for their jobs? obviously I don’t know the local situation as to job opportunities etc, but maybe there’s something, check the library for any opportunities? sorry just some suggestions….

  6. Hey neighbor, Thanks so much for the comment. It warms my heart. All your suggestions are great. I will eventually work on teaching English. For now the munchkin has me tied down. That is much of the problem. But she will soon be more independent. I take her to the library. The Children’s books are good for both of us! But the librarian’s who are helpful, do not speak English. My Serbian is not passable by any stretch. Just need more time. again. Hvala

  7. Ciao,
    I am sorry that you are feeling unhappy at the moment. But these times do past, and the weather does not help. I like the crazy lady from Croatia idea. Offer some private English tuition, either to children or young adults.

    Twice a week I give a one hour conversation lesson to a woman, we sit, drink tea and gossip. At the end of the lesson she goes home happy and I am 20 euros better off. The chemist got the 20 euros yesterday after Mrs Sensible forced me to go and see the doctors for my man flu, she is tired of playing nurse.

    Quick thought, start a little English reading class at the library, offer to read a book to other little munchkins, you will meet lots of new people and your little munchkin can be involved.

    • Thank you!! I love hearing what others do to occupy their time. I am feeling better today. I will see what I can do about the English lessons. Thanks so much again!

  8. I can relate- the first months in Bulgaria were the toughest for me. I thought that having a little one would provide enough of a distraction and keep me busy, and while it did, it also left me feeling somewhat restricted. Things will get better as you settle in and carve out something for yourself, it just takes time. Adjusting to parenthood and expat life at the same time is a double whammy, that’s for sure!

    • Thanks Lauren, Fo shizzil being an expat mum is mnogo difficult! Are you back on Euro Soil yet? I would love to meet up with you in BG or Serbia someday. I am probably dreaming big, but it is fun to consider.

  9. Hang in there. Where exactly are you, what city? I’m a Serbian who speaks fluent English, and I live in Jagodina. There is more of us, you just have to look real hard. I know it’s tough. I feel like you need a hug. Read my blog, it will make you laugh 🙂

    • Thank You, I will take your virtual hug! I have read your blog… and I thought I was following you on my old blogspot site.. but I wasn’t. I will read it again and add you to my reader. I am an hour from Nis in a small town. I do have English speaking friends. and I am working on my Srpski… but I suck at it! 😉 Damn podaji! Bash mi briga. Hope all is well in the land of Strawberries.
      Cao Darling

    • Ha! I am following you here on WP! and I left you a comment a while back on your VW post..I think. I really liked that one. So true about German engineering! We have an Opel here and had a VW in the US. Keep the blogs coming. you do make me laugh! Hvala Puno!

  10. Hi girl! Do not dare to fail your dreams. I and other Serbians NOT ALLOW YOU TO FAIL. See, you are Serbian “snajka”. Every Serbian want to protect and help Serbian “snajka”. I want to help, and others too. That is in ours culture, so relax and enjoy the ride.

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