Dear Diary March 7, 2013

This is my life right now.

I am feeling at a loss. I feel the need to have a job. The projects are great. I get a sense of accomplishment from them. But, I am not doing something that propels the family forward.  I don’t have a job that brings in income. and any idea of a job or company that I could start is illusive.

I cannot blame this on PMS. Sometimes I have to wait til that has passed to see clearly, but this is as clearly as I get. At times, I put off posting because I am chemically or hormonally imbalanced.

What is the source of this Eeyore day?

Maybe it is because I FINALLY met another American this week, and he has a purpose here beyond his little girl and Serbian wife.

Maybe it is because I feel I made a complete idiot of myself last night while we had some family members. Conversing in English and Serbian is exhausting, confusing, and I make some ridiculous mistakes. Mistakes that make me feel like I am back in Jr High again.

Maybe it is because the Munchkin is Fussy, like all the time. Or because the Muz is going to work in the village. I feel guilty for not joining him like I did before the little one came along.

Obviously, taking care of little M is productive. just not the kind that adds monetary gain… rather the opposite. Helloo diapers! Come on potty training!

AND How is it that she is pooping more and eating less? The input output just doesn’t make sense!

an added bonus to my day…I think she has discovered that whining is a good tool to get attention.  Maybe that is what I am doing now.

Discouragement comes in all sorts of forms. As an expat, they are sometimes devastating. Trying to buy things for friends is a huge source of downheartedness. Here it is so hard to find things that are good quality. but here good quality is  not only illusive but super expensive. And culturally, something I think would be a good present, may seem really silly here.

The plight of stray animals  is a constant source of sadness. Every time I take a walk outside I am dismayed by the homeless animals, skittish from abuse from humans. They scrounge dumpsters for food do their best to avoid becoming the meal of a larger, stronger animal. Listening to the screams of these animals at night while they fight with one another adds weight to my heart.

So many other things add to my sometimes silly, yet all to real woes. Often hiding in the strangest corners just waiting for me to stumble upon them. But then, they pass. Thank God!

I know that Mentally sunny days are just around the corner. They always are. But my down days always seem much lower here in this big strange land.

If I can…I just need to take a break, then give myself a strong kick in the arse. Remind myself how lucky I am to have a good life and family. Then do something fun or productive.  and that is just what I have done today.  I wrote down my feelings then moved onto some projects that needed to be completed.

Enough whining, onto a new food like for myself, Carmelino! For those of you unfamiliar, it is a baby cereal. Millie doesn’t even like it as much as I do! For the first time, I must remind myself it is her breakfast not mine.
Dobar dan